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The Parrsitivity Podcast
The Parrsitivity Podcast

Episode 3 · 1 year ago

The Parrsitivity Podcast #Episode 99 Peyton Moore (The Divorce Process)

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In this podcast im joined by Peyton Moore who is Highly skilled in business development, outside sales/marketing, closing deals, social media and connecting with customers! But has recently made the transition to becoming a divorce life coach, in this podcast we talk about the divorce process, emotional & mental health...and much more! Contact: http://www.thedivorcecontessa.com linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/peytonbmoore eMail: pblakneymoore@yahoo.com --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/the-parrsitivity-podcast/message

Hither. My name is Adam Po and the podcast host posity to podcast. In this podcast, you will be listened to me connect with people from different walks of life, from the military to people in the music industry, to people in the self help industry and many other areas of life. In this podcast I'll be talking about topics from self help, mental health, motivation, spirituality, mindset, society, current affairs and much, much more. If you enjoy this podcast, please subscribe, share and let me know your feedback. And my main intention on this podcast is to have a positive impact for you, the lit the listener, to take something positive from it, to apply something positive into your life from this. Now with without further ado, let's go to podcast and enjoy. Hi and welcomes for policy to podcast. In today's episode, I'm joining in by pay two more. Pay Two more has a background working in real estate, but recently made the switch to divorce coaching. Payton helps people through the divorce process with the mental and emotional health. In this podcast we talked about the divorce process, emotional health, mental health and much more. Now, sit back, relax and enjoy this episode. Hi, hi, Payton, how are you doing? Hi, Adam I'm great. How are you today? Good, good, good, yeah, I'm very good. Thank you. It's it's it's good to be on the podcast. Fine, and I've been working on it for quite some time, but we're here. Yes, we're finally here, and thank you so much for your patients and and rescheduling due to, you know, circumstances that come up. So thank you. Yeah, I know you're very welcome. I'm happy to have you on. But I remember, like just previously before we started recording, is was talking about, you know, the work that you do. So your you specialize in like coaching around like divorce, right. Yeah, so I think a lot of people now are very familiar with life coaching, you know, leadership coaching, different kinds of coaching, you know, to help people get through different situations. Right. So for me kind of under the life coach umbrella and my niche is divorce coaching. So it's funny when I tell people that they're they kind of laugh and they think, oh well, you know, it's just a bunch women get together and, you know, beating up on men and and it's not like that at all. So I do have men clients, but I will say the majority of my clients are women, but but yeah, and so you know, it's a it's an interesting niche because I'm able to, you know, work with people through the divorce process and and you know, it's kind of like the grieving process, right. It has many layers and it has steps that you kind of go through, just like you would any kind of grieving process. Yeah, so, so, yeah, you know, just to kind of be a resource for my clients and then really, you know, I kind of differentiate myself on you know, being kind of real world right. So I personally have been married and divorced twice. So, you know, I'm not by any means an expert, but I do have, you know, some experience and those situations and so, you know, I think it's...

...refreshing for someone that's going through a divorce or thinking about getting divorced. You know, I'm basically able to talk to someone and have a real conversation, not just an attorney, you know, telling you, okay, it's going to be this much money and this is how the process is going to work and, you know, more of the I guess, kind of a black and white situation, right. So I can provide them, you know, a safe space to talk where we can talk about those kind of great areas that you're your counsel, you know, just they just don't really get into because their job is really just to, you know, follow the law and follow the Family Code if you have children, and division of assets. Yeah, now that's a really good point, isn't it? Like you said, it's all kind of numbers, figures, leg just ledges, claims, a legislation and you know the law. Right. I suppose, like you said, with with divorce, I'm not process, they're not really looking at the emotional solid of it and how that person's actually probably feeling. Right exactly, and I mean there are some attorneys that do right, and don't get me wrong, but but you know, at the end of the day, you know they they don't have time to do a lot of handholding, right HMM. And I think, you know, people need to understand that this process you need a lot of handholding, you need a lot of support, especially if you have children, because you know, if it's just two people no kids, you know that's a little bit different. I'm not I'm not trying to downplay that snar at all. It's very significant because two people came together and now they're, you know, dividing their life apart from each other. Right, that that in itself has its own merit. But when you bring children into the scenario, that really changes the dynamic a lot light. M Yeah, I mean, like you said, like it's like, like they said, the whole process is what it is, isn't it like? So the Court of lawyers and lawyers don't cut that time, do they to kind of hold, you know, be the emotionally they you know, just doing their job, right. So it would help with you know, like it's nice that you're there kind of be that kind of person to kind of alleviate probably that pressure and that tension on that person so they get a bit of clovity in that process all divorce rather than just going through everything all out once. I'm not having someone's told to. It's Nice you have that bridge that you give that person. Exactly right. And so the way I have my coaching set up is, you know, you know, there's different packages and if you want to talk to me once a week, if you want to talk to me twice a week, you know, once a month, whatever that looks like for you. And you know, we can talk about whatever, whatever you need to talk about, because honestly, when you're going through this process, the range of emotions that you go through just within a twenty four hour period are, you know, are just mind blowing. You know, you get up and you can start your day and you're like, okay, you know, great kids, fool, I'm having a great day, and then boom, you know, you get a tax for from your soon tobx husband and you know, your phone just starts blowing up. Or opposite, you know, the husband get something from that x soon toob x wife, or the attorney called you and says, you know, they're fighting us on this, or you know, I don't think you're really going to be able to get that. You know, and so by the end of the day you're just completely white, you know, mentally right and not a whole lot of bandwidth left to you know, kind of process other portions of your life. You know, I've had clients that, you know, they're divorced, lasted eighteen months, very contentious, you know, constant. Yeah, you know, just fighting her on every single item, you know, and it's just it's exhausting, it really is. And so what I do is I provide them a safe space to just really like vent, you know,...

...to a certain extent, right, but also, you know, okay, I get it, I hear you, I understand right, but what are we going to do about it? Hmm, right, so what's our strategy going to be? And so I think that, you know, that that's that's a hell helpful. That's a helpful space to be able to come to. Yeah, it's a lot, it's a lot, you know. I mean especially, you know, for the and I'm not discounting fathers at all. I mean I don't that way at all. But you know, I think the mother's just have a you know, it's just a different dynamic with especially with the kids, and it's just, you know, we just still have, you know, so much on our plate. You know, all of a sudden we're not living in our you know, if we have to move and sell, let's say we have to sell the house, you know, just let that ass at right. Well, now we have to move. What does that look like for the children's schools and do they have to go to new schools? And you know that that whole brings in the whole thing of how are the children and what's their mental health like and what are their needs right now? And so, yeah, can you know, talk about all of those things and come up with, you know, proactive strategies? Yeah, totally. There's so many layers to it and so many angles and so many dynamics with, you know, divorce and you know what we're talking about. I mean I'm I'm twenty six. You know, I haven't got you know, why if I've got no kids? So I don't know from my lips what that's like. But you know, listening to you know what you're saying and putting myself in those person's shoes, I can kind of, you know, empathize and make sense of it. That makes sensive from that there angle, like something. I'M NOT gonna go too deep into it, but talking about divorce like I feel, I feel so for you know, Johnny Depp, right, and that whole case with you know, him and his girlfriend, right. I think like if you're famous or celebrity or high profile person, that's probably an extra layer on top of the divorce because you're in the limelight, you've got social media, you've got the news, and the news probably fabricate half to stuff that's happening. As well, and I'm not saying you know, celebrities get it worse, but I suppose that probably doesn't help in the process of divorce if you in the media, the process of it. Yeah, definitely a totally agree yeah, I mean that just brings it to a whole other level, right, and again it goes back to that, you know, that exposure, right, you're being vulnerable, right, because you your identity is with your with your spouse or your partner, right, and now of a sudden that's unraveling. And so, you know, as a as a famous person, I mean I can't even imagine how much more difficult it would be because that layer of like you said, you know, the media, the social media, the print the magazines, the you know, different publications that kind of go down that rabbit hole, right. And and I think to some extent, you know, just regular folks kind of experience that too, because unfortunately, sometimes what happens is even just for regular people, you know, Main Street people, you know, the the laws, you know, kind of start that same sometimes, not all the time. I'm speaking in general terms of course, but sometimes the end laws can kind of get possessive of their you know, let's say in this case it's the husband, right. So you know they're kind of get on team husband, right. And then for the wife, you know, her parents and her family are going to get on team wife, right, and then it and so it can. It's kind of that same dynamic of the media, right, you know, okay, well, we're going to just trash, you know, Johnny Depp, you know, and and maybe in the laws are starting to kind of trash the wife. You know. So some of that stuff can kind of happen, you know, with just regular people that aren't even famous, you know. And and then if...

...both parents are, now we're both partners are on social media as well, you know, then we we ran into that as well. You know, the wife will get on the husband site and, you know, start venting and you know he's such an asshole and all this kind of stuff, right. And and that's where I really can come in and help them, because that, you know, that's just not a good idea to do that, that kind of stuff. That's that's not helping anybody. It's not helping the stonobx wife, especially if they're going to have to go to court. You know, that's just not know, I think with that as well in social media when people, I think sometimes people can just react and see that as like a basis for them, just a vents. And the thing is what people forget about, I think social media and using these ups, you're almost cementing your evidence on that or like text messages, and I've seen, like is it, judge, Judy, all these we've got these programs in England, these these shows of people, like I said, a splitting off and they've got reals and reels and rails of text messages or they've got reels and reels opposed and social media, and it can just below all. Look, look at this. You know, dople person mine will say anything and then a lot. Well, you know, it'll go to that behof because I'm they have reacted to what the person said right, but yeah, they're helps behold. There's a whole lot of that going on and honestly, Adam, I've been divorced since two thousand and sixteen and I'm still dealing with that with text messages, you know, that are not very pleasant when honestly, and it's taking it's taken me personally to do a lot of work, you know, on myself right taking a hard look at who I am and where I am as a person and, you know, really just stopping myself and saying, you know what, I'm making a hard boundary and I'm not reacting. Hmm, I'm just not reacting because, at the end of the day, this is what I tell my clients is, whatever you're going to say, what purpose is that going to serve? You know, like, what purpose is that going to serve for you? First of all, because we need to put ourselves first, right, and then what purpose is that going to serve to, you know, your XY or your exit or your ex husband? HMM. Right. And then a lot of you, know, most of my clients, will sit back and go, well, it's going to make me feel all I better might well, yeah, you know, writing a nasty tax bag, you know, in the short term, is going to make you feel better, right, but in the long term you really didn't gain anything and you just expended energy on something that you know probably isn't going to change. Right. Yeah, I agree, I think. I mean I I've never been divorced, I not broken off from girlfriends, right, you know that, DNA self. No breakups like not nice at all. No break ups like Nice Right, like, I can think of it that way and I remember, like, you know, they might say something, will send something, you might retaliate, and it's so easy to do that. And sometimes when you do that, you like why did I want to bother? But like at the time you just don't you don't realize because you just full of all these different emotions. Exactly. You nailed it right there. And and it's difficult, I mean, trust me, you know, it's really easy for me to set her and say, you know, don't do this, do this, don't do that, right, but as someone that's actually lived through that process, yeah, it's extremely difficult. You have to you know, you got to dig deep, right, you got to dig real in. You have to be secure, not with yourself, to say, you know what, I'm just not going to react to that because that person is, you know, like we're not in a relationship anymore. So, number one, I don't have to respond right but now. But I think the more important reason is is that I just, you know, I'm focusing my energy on on something else that's more positive and proactive for...

...myself, for my family, you know, for the path that I'm on now. You know, post divorce or even you know why you're in divorce. You know you're in the process. You know, emotions again, like I'm saying earlier. You know you're just on a roller coaster all day, all week, all you know, every day, and it's difficult and you know, I think having a coach is a good way to prevent that from happening, right, because if you're in a package with me, of you know you can text me pretty much seven during the week, then you can text. I'm going to say text me first or call me first, and let's talk it out right and after we have a conversation, if you're still feeling, you know, really strong about responding, then okay, find there, go ahead and respond, but you know, let's kind of praise it like this. HMM. Yeah, yeah, and of course it's probably trying to lie. By coach would be selfdisciplined and self aware of what you're feeling. Probably like that check. Almost checking in with yourself, isn't it, and ask yourself. But you know, this is the right there. You know what, whom a feeling? Why? I'ten not quite probably an effective way people to do. You think it's you? Yeah, yeah, and you know that the more difficult thing about it as well is that, you know, during divorce, you know, people change, especially when it comes to money, you know, when it comes to money and assets, people can get really nasty and it's just shocking how you just wake up one day and you're like, I like, who is this person? Right, like I was married to you, I had a child, we have a child together, maybe two or three, and and then you wake up in this person is just acting completely, you know, full of hate, full of spite, full of you know, just being extremely selfish and and just being very, you know, patronizing and condescending, right, and it's difficult because you know you're you're you know, you don't have on an off switch, right, and we're all human, and so it's difficult to try to manage that, you know, the managing. And and I think that having a coach, whether it's a life coach or divorce coach or, you know, a mentor or whoever, a therapist count, you know, psychiatrist, whatever it is, mental health person, you know, I think that that's completely necessary. Yeah, yeah, no, I agree, like when people are going through that divorce process, and I don't know too much about it, do is almost like requirement. Do these solicitors, like lawyers, say, do they suggest maybe you should look at having a coach to help you for this? Is that? Is that not like in the system? Almost that? Do they not like a personal thing where they have acts on themselves? The thing, I need a coach that don't get recommended like these services brought up process, right. Right, yeah, so not really. I mean the the attorneys, you know, they can make recommendations. Of course, it's not part of the you know, you don't take the box. Right. It's not part of the procedures, so to speak, to have a coach right now. Sometimes, depending on the situation, you know, especially when we have family, when we have children involved, right, sometimes we can have where we have, you know, maybe one partners accusing the other partner doing something while they have the children in their possession, in their air, right, right. And so then the core will say, okay, we're going to point, like a family case manager, yeah, to the specific situation, right, and then that person can kind of, you know, be a sounding board, but but not like a coach. Right,...

...like that person, their job is really just to gather the facts, do the observation, you know, do a home visit, you know, make sure the children have what they need, right, and so in that situation, you know, that could be someone that they could talk to that is with in the I guess your question, you know, your question of within the procedure and process of the court system. Right. Yeah, so that was kind of a long way of answering you know, as far as I could, a divorce coach or a life coach goes, you know, the Turney, take a suggestion, but it's not like a requirement. Right now. Yeah, and then like another you know, a lot of people think, oh, well, you know, what about my when I go to mediation? Right, what about my mediator? You know, I can talk to them. Well, yeah, you can talk to them, but I mean, you know, a lot of and that's another great reason to have a coach, right, because a lot of people don't understand what mediation is. And in text this for example, and these family, you know cases, if their children involved, you know, the courts required that you go to mediation first, try to mediate it, negotiate the terms of the divorce right before you actually go to court. And so, but the mediator and that example, you know, there are a neutral third party and so they're really just a facilitator, right, and so it's really not someone that you can, you know, kind of pull aside and go, you know, Oh my God, you know, I don't know what to do you. I'm freaking out, you know, or or you might be saying this is ridiculous. You know, I can't even do this right now and just walk out. Yeah, see, you really essuged, and that's I was saying early. You know, if you have children, you really need to have an advocate on your side, someone to talk these things out, because it's crucial, because it's going to sound really ridiculous, but it gets down to the point of WHO's paying for haircuts, who's paying for cell phones, you know, who's paying for summer camps? Yeah, it kind of comes down to the things that you probably wouldn't really think of something sense. You just kind of do it, but when it comes down to that, you have kind of break it down who's doing what. I think, like you said as well, I you know the children and the kids, even if a lot you know teenagers. You know the you don't want kids having resentment or one parent saying something about give a pair and making them not bring washing them. But you know, you know, to me and like manipulate some kids and things like that. That's what kind of gets messy. softing, like I said, those kind of people who step in and, you know, within the family circle kind of probably create a bit more balanced, probably and not in that way. And, like yourself, it just kind of breaks the artbreaks that attention. You also mentioned as well, different stages of the Bulls right. Yeah, yeah, so I kind of equate it with the greeting process after someone dies, right, and so, you know, you go through the same stages through the divorce process. So at the beginning, you know you're kind of in denial, right, just like you would be if you lost someone very close to you. You know, you're just, I can't believe this happened. You know, you're just trying to process right, kind of wrap your brain around. Oh my God, you know, this is what's going on. So in the beginning you're kind of more in a in a denial phase, right, and this is where a divorce coach comes in. It's critical because in the beginning, like you're pushing, you're pushing things off, you're you know, oh, I'll just worry about that deadline. You know, I'll get to that, you know, or I'll yeah, I need to call my attorney. You know, I'll do that, right. And so you're kind of in denial and you're pushing off your deadlines and you're you're just not you know, your brain is still processing that I have to, you know, actually engage in this these activities, and I don't want to do it, you know, especially if you're those spouse that didn't actually file for divorce, right, which happens a lot. And and so if you're the spouse that wants to stay married, you know there's a there's some resistance there, right. So you're going to have that denial part. And then once you kind of get more intoo the you know, each party has been served with papers and you found your attorney and you have...

...representation. You know, then we kind of get into the phase of actuality. Right, okay, I have been with you know, mentally, emotionally, this is what's going on. I'm in I'm in the midst of the process. I'm in the mix. So, yeah, okay, let's this is happening, so let's just get on with it, right. So then you kind of get it, get into that actuality phase of all right, let's just get it and let's just get it done right. Yeah, and then, depending on your specific scenario, is going to depend on how fast we can get in and get it done right. And and that can vary from how long you've married, if you have children, if you have a lot of assets. And you know, there's no one size fits all. Right, every case is completely different. Right. And so then you kind of move into the next process of the wait and see our kind of like a holding pattern, right, because now it's not really on our schedule. It's on their attorney schedule, it's on the court schedule, it's on the judges schedule. If it gets to that point, right, we have to get on the books for the mediator, right. And so during that phase it's kind of frustrating because we're just in a holding pattern, right, and that's that's where a lot of times this nastiness starts, right, because both parties are like, okay, I'm out of denial, I'm you know, I'm out of actuality, I know what's going on, this is happening, I'm on this path. Right, and then we're just sitting around kind of waiting to get dates and other things lined up, motions filed or whatever, and tensions are getting high, right, sometimes not all the time. And then then from there, once we have some concrete dates, we move into the face of, you know, going through the process of the divorce itself, right, and then and then the finality of what's going on. Right. So we've mediated, we went to court or we didn't go to court. We've all made, you know, our final decisions. We signed everything, you and then we appeared in front of the judge. Now, this is just in Texas. That could be different and a different state or different country, obviously, and it's right. So it's final. So then we're going to move into the phase of post you know, of again, a little bit of denials going to be going on because you're like, you know, you forget that your divorce, right, like you might be a conversation with someone and say, Oh, yeah, my husband picked up the kids and you're like Oh, wait, no, actually, I meant to say my ex husband. You know, what are Wean Yeah, yeah, kind of in that phase of, you know, subconscious you think you're still kind of married, right. Yeah, and then and then a couple of months will go by and it depends. It kind of goes two ways, right. So, and it's totally different for men and women. So for men it goes a couple of ways. So either men are are kind of going to go into this post divorce of you know, cool, I'm free and do what I want. I'm going out, you know, kind of into a more kind of a party, void situation, or there they're, you know, very, you know, decisive and okay, that's done. Now I know what I want. And a woman, right, and so they're going right out and trying to meet somebody and start hating and getting into serious relationship again and for and then actually get married fairly quickly after divorce. Yeah, it's and then the women, it, depending how they have kids, are not, you know, are kind of if they have children, then they're kind of kind of and depends on how it is decided. But you know, like in my situation and majority of my women clients, HMM. You know, after the divorce is final, we go to court, sign it's done, right, then we kind of go into this sphace of overwhelmed...

...because now we we have the children the majority of the time, right, and we're solow, you know, and so we're left with going to work every day, cooking dinner every night, taking care of the kids, getting them bathed, getting their homework done, you know, for the majority of the week, depending on how the visitation schedules are set up, and so that's a lot. You know, that's that's a lot to you know, all of a sudden go into that kind of responsibility mode. Not that we don't love our children, we don't want to take care of them, of course we do. But you know, we've been in a relationship it where that's kind of you know, sometimes the dad does the bath, sometimes the mom does the breakfast. You know, we've had someone to kind of help you know each other right, and now the sudden we're in this process, process of we have to do it all. And so that phase is is I call overwhelm right and there for the women, especially if they have children, it's going to kind of go two ways. Either they're just going to really solidify that mother role, you know, and kind of become I'm a bear, right and be like, okay, I got to protect my child and this is my soul duty in life, right, and I don't really care about dating and I don't really care about, meaning anybody else, right. Or you might have the woman that's like, all right, cool, I got one kid, I'm good, you know, and on my weekend where my child goes to visit as father, you know, I'm going to be the party girl and I'm going to go out and I'm going a date and and kind of get on with my life right. Hm. And you know, for everyone, those those past and those are all generalizations, right, but those past very obviously from person to person. And and yeah, but I think, you know, for the women, you know, some of them can meet someone right away, but I think the majority of the time it takes a little bit longer. Or they might meet someone right away and then they're they're you know, they're excited. You know they're excited and they're you know, they're kind of loving this whole dynamic right m. and then, you know, maybe kind of fall for this guy a little bit too hard they end up breaking up because it's kind of the rebound right after the divorce. HMM. And it's funny because some of my clients will say, you know, I was more upset about the guy that I dated right after my divorce. When we broke up. I was more upset about that then I was actually about my whole divorce. Wow, yeah, which is interesting, right, and I think that, you know, again it depends on the divorce and a lot of times when they when that happens or they say something like that, you know, it was probably kind of a nasty divorce, right. Maybe, you know, their ex husband was just being very nice. Yeah, and so they kind of you know, they met this guy, they kind of latched on quick, was getting love and attention, right, and then when it kind of fell apart and raveled, you know, I think that those emotions from the divorce just really purfoust with even more intensity. Hmm Right. Yeah, it's interesting. But you know, then you also have the people that are just you know, they're twenty eight, they got married, they're married a couple of years and have any kids. They didn't buy a house. You know each other on car, you know each other and checking account. Maybe they had a joint account. Puts many in a pay bills or whatever. It's easy, busy, right. Yeah, like and what you said, like with the whole process of it and like, you know, couple splitting up, you having the borce, but is that each person has a different each. Each divorce is going to be completely different to another one because they, like I said, they got pretty different assets. They might have kids, they might not have a have kids, they might have a joint account. That person might have something to Bess, but the list goes on. And I remember I saw one on a program and this guy was getting divorce some a his wife and he was going to court to get his baseball cards. But it's baseball cards and there was over that's while I was going to court. But these baseball cards in...

...particular will worth a lot of money. So it could be like something like that. Someone with free kids and, you know, lots of other stuff. And I think, like you said, people, you know, deal with things differently, don't they? And it's I I don't know, sometimes probably people bought to themselves, you know, off the divorce bool. You know them meet that next person who believes them. It is so crazy when you think about it. But really, yeah, it really is. It really is. And you know, as a coach, you know I you know sometimes I want to say, you know, no, don't do that, you know, but but I can't write. You know, I can try to constructively say that right in a proactive way. You know, well, maybe you should think about this or you know how you thought about that, right, but but it's difficult sometimes and and I have to sometimes kind of check myself, right, you know, I'm very passionate person. I'm very passionate about, you know, helping people through this process because I understand exactly how they feel, right, and and so I have to kind of okay, you know, bring it down a notch, right, and and refrain some of my suggestions, because I just want to reach through, you know, the zoom and and be like no, don't do it, you know, yeah, but but I can't. So, but yeah, but I do have clients that appreciate the cand in this, right. I mean they're just like hey, like just slap me, you know, just bitch lap me and you know, makes back in some sense, right. Yeah, yeah, and and that happens too, but it really just depends on on the person, right. Yeah, but but yeah, it's it's interesting to hear, you know, people's stories and and I absolutely love it because every day is different and and I learn a lot too, you know. I mean I'm still learning and and I'm still trying to, you know, make figure out some things about myself after my own divorce, even though it's been for years. You know, what do I you know, I have not only am I asking my clients these questions, but you like, what do I want? You know, like what's important to me in a relationship? You know, like I would let like you as a young person, you know, like I would love to hear, like what is you know, what's important to you in a relationship, or what do you think about for your future? Yeah, NOSCA, point, I I feel the time I am now. You know, I want someone who's who you know has similar values to me, and you know, from from past experiences, I thought, you know, the girls that I was with, you know, we were the one, you know, right. I thought, you know, that this is it. And Yeah, I think, I think from from experience, you know I want someone that you know is down to worth, someone that's you know I do. Everyone's going to have that differences, you know, everyone's going to be same as it, but I think, you know, it's someone who is on that mutual wavelength, someone who's got similar values and you know they're not playing games when it fl like that. I mean, I'M I won't go too much into you know, girlfriends, but I am an empire, so I have to be quite careful, if that makes sense. Yes, yes, of course, of course, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I mean that those are all really valid points, right, and I think that, no matter you know, what age you are, that you know those are I think we all want that, right. You know, we all want someone that's here's our same values and, you know, has a good moral compass and isn't playing mind games, right, and has integrity and honesty, right. And you know, it's huge, it's hugely important because in communication, right, like, yeah, that's probably one of the biggest things that I've learned since my divorce is...

...communication, and and I certainly was lacking. You know, I raise my hand right, like whole accountability for either lack of communication or, you know, maybe being passive aggressive. You know a lot of people that's a hard one, right, or you know, maybe, you know, maybe it's not taking a time right to really live. Not Not that I didn't listen, but really taking a time before responded. Yeah, reacting on yeah, yeah, often, often, that key points. I think, like communication is key. You know, I say people, I want like to everyone do something differently, and almost got their own vessels in the you know, everyone's got their own things to work for, like, you know, communication scheme, because if someone see it was a certain way and do you know, the first picks upon that and then it's not communicated and it's communicated a week or two down the line. Not just cool, it just it's no good because it's two weeks down the lawn and I'll remember doing it. I remember the people of being with doing it. Brings the FOP in the line two weeks ago, which right, yeah, and that that's part of that kind of passive aggressive right, and so it like and so that's a key indicator that whatever that problem was for one person, for whatever reason, didn't really get resolved. And so that's how I was just saying early, you know, like I you know, I was listening, but I didn't really take time to respond, and so it's critical that, you know, we take time kind of when we're in the heat of it, to respond and set you know, or instead of going back to that person. That was kind of I call it millie or nitty, you know, like knitty radio. Yeah, progressive right, you know, said to go back to them and giving them and jab you know, of just going back to them and saying, look, I can feel that you are still upset about x, Y and Z. So what I would like to do is, you know, can we schedule some time tonight and just really sit down and have a, you know, open, honest communication about what happened two weeks ago? So you know, we can kind of button it up and we want right about noise. So that's a nice stuff, a nice way to I put it, isn't it? buffing? Right, right, yeah, and it's in there and I think it's the reason why it's difficult for people is because, you know, boundaries are so important, and that's another big lesson that I've learned to is having boundaries. Right. Yeah, you know my but my background, you know, I used to well and I still lam to some extent. I mean it's just part of my DNA. But you know, I'm more of a people please are kind of person. Right, I want you know, I'm a libra. The scales I balanced right, like I want balance. I want people to be happy. I don't want to and right, right, and that's great. That's a great quality to have, but it's not a great quality to have if you're in a relationship with someone and you're not having boundaries of okay, you know, I'm putting my foot down on this. You know, you were out till two o'clock in the morning. You know, that made me really upset, right, you know, so, instead of just communicating that and having a you know kind of a line in the sand boundary, yeah, the next morning I wake up and I'm just like in a bad mood. Yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying. Because, right, and that's just not again going back to that. What purpose is that serving? It's not serving anyone. Right, and so I think at the end of the day, you know, again going back to, you know, taking the time to actually think about your response, but also, you know, a lot of times these kind of nitpicky things and relationships really wouldn't happen or escalate to the point that they get to sometimes if we were just more communicant, communicative. Yeah, threes and the beginning of the relationship. HMM. Yeah, right, that's...

...pretty good point. Yeah, and I mean it's easier said than done. You know, it's hard. It's superful because, you know, when you first meet someone like you want them to like you and you know you're you're getting into the chemistry, right, and you know feels good and you know they make you feel good and all that, right. And so you know, three months down the road, like you're hanging out together a lot and pretty much just exclusive this person and you know it's kind of moving forward, right, and so you know, I think just having you know, kind of that those boundaries there in your communication of what your what's going to fly and what's not. Yeah, now, I completely agree. Like I think, like you know, from person, from from my experience, and you know, awareness around relationships is like someone like foundations, isn't it love of a house, I say sometimes, you know, there's those key kind of foundations, I hope, hold it together, and I think, like se communications one of those things up hold it together. Yes, and many other ones as well. Absolutely, absolutely. Yeah, most definitely. And and I think for for people that are thinking about getting married, like it's critical. Like you you know, you have to be on the same page about certain fundamental things, right. Yeah, because, trust me, I've been in a marriage where we weren't and it was very difficult. Yeah, no, it's and I think, like you know, relationships and life, they're all going to be all guing. So all going to be those, those classes, so speakers and they but it's like how you kind of you know, communicate through the talk about it could and then how you move forward, isn't I think? And I think like if they keep happening, than you know, something on the line, isn't that? And you have the lot address out or look after your so for or wherever. But I think like with what you you mentioned as well. Is that like, would you say, you know, relationships and experiences kind of like give you certain perspective? Oh, absolutely, yeah, and and that in itself can work both ways, right, you know, because we kind of hear the woman. Oh well, she got divorce and now she's all, you know, she's the man hater and she's jaded against men and you know, all she does is complain about how bad men are and all that. Right, so it can. It can, you know, work both ways right. But yeah, for me personally, Oh, yeah, perspective is is I mean it's huge right, because I mean I'm not a man hater at all. You know, I got you men, I understand you know, but now you know that I'm older, you know, which I had some of that knowledge back you know when I was younger. You know that, and I've done a lot of my own work on myself and my own research and and all that. Right, so I have a little bit different, you know, introspect on that. But yeah, I mean my perspective is totally you know, it just changes everything, right, because, you know, I tell a lot of women, you know, you just got divorced, right, and and maybe a year or two out, you know you've dated some people whatever and it's not going good. And you know, don't even get me started on online dating. And they they can seem fraud and have some despair and maybe start to get a little bit jaded. and honestly, I have kind of been in that realm myself. Right what I tell them is, okay, look, you know what. You went on some dates. Are you dated a couple guys, you know, three months here or four months they're whatever. Didn't work out. It didn't work out, but it gave you some perspective, right, like you were saying, okay, now I know what I don't want. HMM. Right. So I think a lot of women and men, you know, run around going I know what I want find her. I'm going to find her, I'm going to find it. Right, you know, I want her, I you know, I want the square to fit in the square hole. Right HMM. But a lot of people for forget about. Hey, now I know what I don't want.

Yeah, you know, what about? What about the value on that? HMM, you know, and I think it's really important. I think it's something that a lot of people miss, because now I know what I don't want. Right, yeah, I don't want that guy that that, you know, doesn't return my text in four hours, or I don't want that guy that didn't call me in four days, you know, or I don't want, you know, I don't want that guy that yelled at the kids, or whatever it might be. Right, HMM, yeah, Nice, stop. It isn't it's it's looking to like, like I said, not just what you want, but what you don't want and nothing being aware of that, because I think, like through online dating as well, that's like a whole different realm, isn't it? Like life? I've I've done it in the past, and that kind of being what I have done because, you know, the location where I live and depends on the job sometimes. But but yeah, it's it's like you have to look at and be aware of that almost, because I think sometimes we have habits and we can choose certain people or, you know, certain things and stuffings, not being aware of those habits as well and kind of acting on like almost seeing it, like trying to sit sooner than later if there's something I don't like. Right. Yeah, and I've had that conversation a lot to and you know, a lot of women will come back and go, well, isn't that kind of being superficial? You know, I'm not really giving them a chance, and I'm like no, because I think it goes back to just the basic of you know, you've got to have boundaries. You know, you've got to have your own self work, you've got to have your own self love of I am worthy of x, Y and Z. I am worthy of a guy that's gonna, you know, have a job, be financial responsible, you know, has a good relationship with his family, treats his children like gold, whatever your criteria are, right, you know, and that's my boundary. Yeah, and and that's just it. Yeah, and and it's difficult because, especially now, a covid right, I mean everyone is just so lonely, myself included. You know, I'm a single mom. My son's been gone this whole entire month of July with his dad for his visitation. Yeah, and I'm finely being vulnerable on this podcast, you know. Yeah, I'm only do you know? Yeah, I don't have a serious boyfriend at the moment and I'm certainly not dating because of covid right. I mean that's reallyulous. Yeah, yeah, you know. And so I think that, you know, people are just incredibly craving companionship, right, and what I'm afraid of is that we are going to possibly get to a point where we're going to sacrifice our boundaries and are and what we feel we're worthy of just be with someone. HMM. Yeah, and and that's not a good set up for healthy relationship, right, and it's certainly not a good setup to, you know, preface marriage, not at all. Right. And so, you know, and these are just hard, you know issues, hard situations heart, I call them backs. It's harsh. It's harsh. Right. I said when he was like nine or ten, I can't remember what we're talking about, but kind of, you know, his word of the of the yeah year was harsh. O, mom, that's harsh, you know. Yeah, but he didn't really know what it meant, right, hmm, and so and so I use that from time to time. You know, it's hard, it is harsh, it's hard, life, life, it's hard. Yeah, I think. I think it's a difficult period and, you know, as it has been different for everyone. You know, I've got to I've got a friend that he just find himself. You know, it's it's difficult for people, you know, who bought themselves and as a whole period. But I think it's I think it's not going to be a permanent that makes sense. Sport like. It is difficult and it's trusting. Yeah, yeah, light at the end of...

...the tunnel right, most definitely. Yeah, and I'm you know, I'm a very optimistic person, eternal optimist, right, you know. Yeah, yeah, it's all good. And for me, you know, I'm taking this time to really, you know, do a lot of self reflection, a lot of self improvement and, you know, pivot some of my businesses, you know, to kind of level up. Yeah, exactly. And and again, you know, I think that a lot of people are kind of going through that, E. Tiffany, right, people, you know, back in April and March they were going and running an AIRBNB for a month. You know, maybe they live in New York City. They went out to lag AIRBNB, stayed there for a month, right, worked because we can, you know, we're all working from home and we're like, you know what, I'm not going back, I'm gonna stay here, right. And so I think that exposure, you know, the covid has exposed so many different things for so many different people and for our society and for our you know, for your country, for my country, you know, just for the humanity on a global perspective, right. M Yeah, yeah, and I and I, you know, if I can, if I can help just one person, you know, through their divorce or their separation or where they wherever they are post divorce in any way, I mean it's my privilege, honestly, to do that because, you know, it's hard, it's difficult. May you know, I think a lot of people have rose colored glasses even about marriage. You know, it's it is difficult, it's work and you really have to be committed to do the work. Yeah, yeah, that's it isn't an talked, talk to somebody and they said like a relationship is both here's people usually say like relationships fifty, but the personal spoke who said it is a hundred percent, hundred percent or something like that. Yes, I totally agree and I think it's a good point. You mentioned lot. You know, it's a lot of commitment and is called you can be old work for I think if you probably find the right person, and I suppose it's it's worth it in some way. You know, it's absolutely yes, I did it. I did a podcast of a lady Eva then, if you saw it, Eva Eva, she's a business coach right. She talked about her relationship and she said that her partner has an affair because she was so focused on her corporate life and work. It was all work and when he had the affair she wasn't putting her attention into the relationship. But then she said that was probably like she said it in and work. said it's probably one of the best things I've ever happened because she allowed it to realize and they're back to together and they find when they both worked on things. So it just shows you, doesn't it, like things like that can happen in a relationship and it kind of I think it's it's probably the strength of each person, if they're really willing to make that work, isn't it right? Absolutely, and I think it depends on you know what obviously depends on the person, right. But yeah, if you're in your scenario, you know, as if you're a positive, optimistic person, you know you're not going to come back on your partner and go, you know, packer should get out, you know it's over, you know right, right, you know, make being selfaware enough, right, is what she did. She was selfaware and she was, you know, positive person and turn something that could have been, you know, really detrimental to her and her marriage or relationship into something positive. Right, and I think I think the the same goes with with covid right, like it's horrible, it's it's just, you know, like hugely horrible. I don't even know what else way to describe it, kind of strongly horrible, right. Yeah, but I think if we can look within ourselves and say, okay, how can I take this situation and and see the silver lining? Yeah, N...

Awesome, that's really good point. Yeah, yeah, and it's difficult, you know, because there's negative people in the world. You know, I'm I know you've met him, I know I was married to him. You know, like, yeah, does that matter? You know why? Day The week? It doesn't matter. What vacation, it doesn't matter. You know what car you buy them, it doesn't matter. Everything is just yeah, we're going to find something negative about it, right. Hmmm, yeah, I know, I'm exactly we men. I think, like you said it, itcause you like you know from from these experiences you kind of make like so you makes you realize what it is that you want what you don't want. Think that's what we have to be taught kind of Congru congruent, and say congruent with not just part in this, but like friends as well. Yeah, you know, he spend your time around. I think like this whole situation basically made us think a lot more and so reflects on the things that we do want. You know what we don't want? Definitely. You know, I always go back to the en and I know it's different in your country, but you know in the United States we in our school systems, right, so in our public schools. HMM. You know, we have a wide dynamic, a wide variety of socioeconomic situations right within a school distance. Right. And so sometimes for some of these kids, you know, like their main meal the day is their meal at school, you know, and it's when school closed, they you know, it's like, Oh, what about? How the children going to get their meal? And so it's like you were saying, you know the know, the bigger question is, why are their children depending on meals from school? Yeah, right, yeah, and so same in relationships. It's like, know, the bigger question is, why is this situation still making me feel this way? HMM, asking that bigger question of yeah, why am I feeling this way? And you know what is the silver lining? HM, yes, breaking it down, isn't it? Breaking it down, those those steps. I think that's what sometimes people, I mean I know from experience, thought, you know, I would be picking up on things and I'd almost convinced myself. That is often I almost blow myself to like yeah, that's fine, it's going to work out now, it will change and then, okay, and you you might below. It could be a couple of months down the lot and I guess harder. You know, I suppose if you you bring marriage into it and all the rest, you can see why it can become difficult. Oh, absolutely yeah, I have a dear friend, you know, she's been in a relationship for three years. They're not married, but you know constantly, you know, why isn't he doing this and why isn't he doing that, and why is he acting this way? And what? You know, why doesn't he want to get me? You know, and I'm like, sister, yeah, you've been telling me and ask me these questions, you know, for two years, like sometimes people just are not not going to be what you want them to be. They're not going to change right. And and you know, my advice for her was look again. You have to go back and figure out what what are your boundaries? And if, if Your Life Plan for you at this point, and this is a sixty one, you're a woman, you know, if your life plan for you for the next twenty years or thirty years, you know, God willing you that we all live that long, right, is to be in a healthy relationship that includes marriage, then this isn't your guide, right, and now you've just wasted three years. Yeah, and now you're sixty one, right. So you know, when you get into like fift s, your s, like, you know, the back of your head you're like, okay, like how much time, right? You know, we're a young person like yourself, you know. You know you've got plenty of time, right, and so you know that that changes the whole perspective, right, because you know, we if her off, her plan for herself...

...does include that. You know, she wants to get married again, she likes being in a in a a monogamous married relationship. Well then those are the kind of men that she needs to meet, right, and if she's still hanging on with a guy for three years, it's just not going to be that guy. Yeah, you know. Then again, it's harsh, right, but that's not your guy, hmm. Or that's for you. That's not your girl, that's not your girl. It works the way around. To you, I mean women, you know, are becoming you know, this diet, this shift, this paradigmn shift, is happened the last twenty, thirty years. You know, men are going to college, they're working. You know, we're there, we're having babies and we don't even need a partner, right, you know, so it could be women to or just like no, I don't, I don't want to get married, I don't. You know, that's not my thing and that's right, but if it's your thing, then you need to own it, right, you got to own it. Yeah, well, completely, I think, like I said, the whole thing around marriage is a luck. I don't if I saw something on the news, it was completely often last year and less people are getting married to some Ploda. I think it's on the UK or just in general, but I think like it's a very person thing. You You don get my different reason. I suppose, you know, pretty financial reasons and legal reasons, you know, because some people might just genuinely loved that partner and I want to marry them. So but like, I think it's going to have the right reason to it, probably, you know, because it's it's a DIS investment some way, isn't it? Because, you know, not just emotion about US those at you know, financially as well. So you have to probably be, you know, careful. Suppose. Oh, absolutely, yeah, I mean you're yeah, I mean use you're essentially, you know, merging to businesses, honestly, right. I mean, I know that's kind of a weird way to look at it, but you know, you as Adam, you are an individual unit of you, right, you are running your own situation. You know, you're writing your finances, right, you've Got Your Own Ledger, you've got your own you know, you're you know, you're paying your bill, you got your money coming in, your paying your bill. Right, you are a kind of an entity of yourself, right. And I'm in you know, I'm an entity of myself. Right. M. And so when you bring those two together, right, you know, we have to figure out how are these two going to merge together that make the best sense for both people and for us as an entity together. Are Right. Yeah, but I's like two cogs, isn't it? I suppose, like you know, the cogs in the watch's almost like two cogs coming together and kind of like working and being a cas what we need to do to them? Do wxwise a right. It's yeah, and then and then it came. And then who's going to WHO's going to manage that right? is going to Seeeo the combined entity? Right. Yeah, yeah, I agree, but I think, you know, the work that you do is, like, you know, much needed and I think you know, I applauding, I toward you fly, you know, everything that you do. I mean, I think, like it's nice that you're you're there for for those people going through that and that you you have been there yourself. You're not just jumping into something and without that experience. You know, you're you're walking your talk. That makes sense. Some you know, you're not someone WHO's divorce coaching. They've never been divorced. You know that people will probably be able to relate to you a lot more than someone who hasn't. Till me and being divorced and another experience, right. Yeah, yeah, I know. Thank you appreciate that. Yeah, so it's we call that eating her own dogs food expression before. It's very American expression. Eat Your own dog food. Never heard of it? Uh. Yeah, so it's essentially the same as, you know, Walk Your Talk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, been there, done that. Right, I ate my own dog food. I practice what I pread. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And Yeah, and I think that, you know, that's creates a comfort factor for my clients. Right...

...of you know, they can really seriously legitimately ask me, well, have you experienced this or and if I say yes, well, what did you do? You know, or you know, have you experiences? You know, I might divorce. I didn't. I didn't experience that, but I've talked to other people that have done x, Y and Z, right, HMM, and so. So, yeah, and unfortunately, I think because of Covid that you know, we're going to see your divorce has, hmm. Unfortunately, and I think just in general, a huge need for mental health professionals across the board, whether it's someone you know, whether it's just a life coach, divorce coach, health coach, psychologist, you know, family therapist, or even, you know, your priest, you know are you're right, right, I mean just the need is just is going to be. Well, it already is. I mean, yeah, it's definitely definitely up there, isn't it? Like I think, like what you said with that whole situation as well, is that because people who people's tensions a much higher. You know, money probably is the same. Like I listened to Jerry Diaz is podcast and he said Covid and Latin means paper. So, yes, so, laugh, he yeah. So, so, yeah, so, you know, people's tensions are higher than things like that. People wholly getting stressed about little things that they probably won't getting stressed about previous of this. Yeah, so, but I know, you know, when I was with my girlfriend, not over anymore, but you know, I remember flipping out or need to the power o things that were, you know, really small coming together right. But like yourself, situation and not seeing, you know, it's it's almost like a make or break this whole situation in some way. I think you see through colors and people and yeah, I totally agree at him allheartedly. Yeah, but I think as long as you're happy, that's that's the main thing. Is On. You're helping you happy yourself. That's that's the most important thing, absolutely lutely, absolutely, and selfcare. You know, it's huge right now. You know, I I actually just quit my I was working in a corporate position as well, and, you know, I just I was working from home doing that and doing my coaching and I just really got burnt completely burnt out, and I just was like, you know what, I can't keep up the space. Yeah, yeah, and I'm not I'm not really serving I'm not being the best version of me. HMM. So, you know, I ended up quitting that position. But I think, but I don't think I'm alone in that scenario. I think a lot of people are are making choices like that right now. HMM. Yeah, or yeah, relationships, jobs, moving hmm. You know, or we were seeing an uptick and people buying like second homes. You know, there have to kind of quarantine. You know, they want to be in a bigger space or, you know, not in the city but out in the country, nature and you know, all of those things that your body is kind of craving, right, yeah, through the stressful situations. So, yeah, I think I think you're absolutely right. Yeah, yeah, no, it's not. Definitely Fu said that you accept before that. So belonging to it. You know, you're soil, belong kind of found something else and you're following your values. And what's brought the year isn't. That's not. That's what people are realizing. Them just chasing, you know, money, so much this, you know, wants making them hop in there boys and open, right, right. Well, yeah, and I mean you bring a really good point too. Is In my coaching program too. You know, I help women at you know, when we come out the other side of the divorce. You know, like if they did a job, you know, I'm help. I'm helping them, you know, find a job and you know, helping them find a place to live and, you know, helping them do some research on different schools and or, you know, they have special need children or, you know, autistic children. What does that look like? Right? HMM,...

...really passionate about that, you know, helping them find the next step, COL right, and it can, you know, really affect the trajectory of where they're going to go next. HMM. You know, and their life and and it's hugely important to me to be able to, you know, work with them and then say, oh, by the way, you know, I can help you find a job if you need a job. It might not be, you know, the perfect job for you that, especially now in this economy and situation, it's a job. Yeah, yeah, sir. Yeah, I think it's nice that you you help clients through that period as well. I think you know, you kind of given up assistance, you know, to coach them and to find something. It's like, you know, it's difficult. With a minute because I saw, like you know, we've got a high rate and things everywhere's, you know, unemployment, and I think those there's a job here, the two those two jobs in a pub and there's like five hundredzero people apply for something crazy about that. Of course, a couple Hundredzero people apply, applied for a job to people wow, how do you how do you break that down? Yeah, but let's create the my phones on, like my phone's going to die since on like five percent. Oh, wow, okay, but but now it's it's been, it's been really, really great talking to you. Yeah, you too, Adam. I've learned a lot, learned more about you and she appreciate you and I appreciate the opportunity past it's my privilege, and into any of your friends and colleagues that are contemplating divorce or separation. I've been, you know, more than happy to talk with them. So, yeah, of course, and I'll really, you know, really appreciate you coming on and I think, I think you're doing really great work, you know, and you know the areas that you focus on. So I think like people need that assistance through, you know, divorce and you know the current times that we're in, and it's been, you know, pleasure talking to you. Yeah, well, same here. Thank you, and and we'll speak soon, hopefully. Yeah, yeah, and of course, now you've very, very welcome to ubout my battery. It's no worry to you all day. So, but where we can do find you on social media and not linkedin and right so the name of my coaching is called the divorce Contessa M and I have a facebook page and my I will be officially launching my new website on August first. On so that website you'll be able to go in and book an appointment and and get something set up on the books. So so that'll be coming in the pipeline August first. Yeah, no, awesome. No, I I'll definitely promote that for you when you when you do it, and I'll I'll put your details in the podcast. Did you send me the links? Nice, and it off. Also off with you, of course. Thank you. I appreciate that. That would be awesome. Now, you're very welcome. Yeah, I was just gonna say anything that I can do to help you know you promote what you're doing as well? Please let me know. Yeah, of course, I'm really grateful. I appreciate it, of course, of course, but not but I'll be great. Day, morning, evening, were being here, but evening for you. So you as well, boy to get into work. Cool. Yeah, I'll try. All right. Well, thank you, Adam. Not Very Welcome. You two. You take care. Okay, you too. See. Okay,.

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