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The Parrsitivity Podcast
The Parrsitivity Podcast

Episode 19 Β· 1 year ago

The Parrsitivity Podcast #Episode83 Eva Medilek

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

In this episode I'm joined by Eva Medilek, Eva is a international speaker, trainer and coach linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/evamedilek Website: www.evamedilek.com --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/the-parrsitivity-podcast/message

Hither. My name is Adam Po and the podcast host posity to podcast. In this podcast, you will be listened to me connect with people from different walks of life, from the military to people in the music industry, to people in the self help industry and many other areas of life. In this podcast I'll be talking about topics from self help, mental health, motivation, spirituality, mindset, society, current affairs and much, much more. If you enjoy this podcast, please subscribe, share and let me know your feedback. And my main intention on this podcast is to have a positive impact for you, the lit the listener, to take something positive from it, to apply something positive into your life from this. Now with without further ado, let's go to podcast and enjoy high what comes the positive podcast. On this episode I'm with Eva Medilla. She's an UN international speaker, trainer and coach. Eva is passionate about helping executives, entrepreneurs, business owners and influences to create heightened levels of success in business, in and in personal life by developing relationships influence, taking radical responsibility and implement it sustainable habits for success. In this podcast, we talked about business relationships being the best version of ourselves, sit back, relax, enjoy a hi Eva, thank you for being on the podcast. Really really appreciate how are you doing? I'm doing well. Thanks, Adam, nice to be here. Good, goods. You're very, very welcome. Mom, happy to have you on the podcast. Yeah, I know, I was excited. They know that we've talked about this...

...for a while, so it's really good. I'm happy to do, you know, chat with you and and just see where it goes. Right. Yeah, yeah, so exactly. Yeah, I just watch stop by, you know, asking you, like how you got into what you do and a lot why? Because obviously that you like your coach on you. You help people, and not corporate sector and over areas well. What I do is, you know, I am a certified high performance coach and a relationship success coach, and so what I found was that people who are looking for that next level of success and and working hard, whether it be in corporate or as an entrepreneur or even as leaders of teams and their businesses, tend to do that at a cost. You know, they have that success, but they're sacrificing their health, their well being and their relationship. So what I focus on is really helping these highly driven it high achieving entrepreneurs, influencers, business leaders. You have healthier, happier, more intimate relationships without sacrificing their health and wellbeing and without giving up their power, because when you start to talk about intimacy in your relationships at home, at work and in your communities, there's always that the fear of showing vulnerability, which equates in some people to losing their authority. And so I like to help my clients literally learn how to have deeper, connective relationships which end up being bringing more joy in your life. You know, most workaholics, you find, are not very happy and less maybe they're at a pub and they're drinking, they're finding some other way to just bring that happiness. But I'm talking about on a deeper level, which a lot of people seem to be afraid of or not have to time for even and also, when we talk about high performance, we really talk about all the ways that you can achieve that next level of success in your personal and professional life. We talk about clarity, we talk about courage, we talk about productivity, influence and we really talk about health and energy as well, and we find that people don't have happy, healthy lives while they're climbing up this corporate ladder whatever, because they're not taking care of themselves on all those other levels. to M yeah, now, like ill completely agree, and I think like when people are in those cold pre positions and the lot might be the CR of a company and the course people to manage and look after, they they frew my feople stressed or burns out...

...and you know, they've got their life as well. And you know, I hear what you're saying and that and you know, if I can take a moment to just share with you, you know how I was when I was, yeah, starting my own business. I found myself not only starting my business, but a lot of people who start on the road to entrepreneurship are working their their day job too, and are with their families. And you know I was. I was in that space when I got downsized in the last in the last economic turn down that we had here in the states, and I remember doing everything. You know, I was working my day job, I was in my spare time learning how to do real estate investing. So I was educating myself, I was making deals, I was marketing all of that and shopping and laundry and cooking and, you know, just everything that you do as you're building your business. And then I really, you know, I found myself in a state of being stressed out, burnt out, overwhelmed, cranky. You know, it just wasn't really a good energy to be around and you know, there came a time where that was impacting my relationship with my husband. You know, I was always under that state of feeling stressed and doing energy. You know, had to do, do, do. I had to get these, you know, these marketing materials had, I had to make offers on houses, I had to do and I really love a sight of who I was being, hm while I was doing, doing, doing, and I remember one day going into the kitchen. My husband was out walking the dog and I wanted to find a photo on his phone of one of the apartments we had just renovated, and I picked up his phone and I looked at it and I saw all of these what's APP messages from another woman, Hmm, and in that moment I realized that he was having an affair and the bottom literally just seemed to fall out of my life in that moment and I realized I could lose everything that I was working for. You know, we had these goals and these dreams and these plans. You know, and I believe I even shared with you, like my husband's is from Europe, but we live in the United States and California, and you know, we purchased, say, an apartment in Berlin so that we can spend our summers in Europe. That's what we want to do. And all of the work that I was doing to make those dreams possible, I forgot to take care of my why, my big why,...

...which was my my husband, our relationship and the life we had planned together. And not only did I realize that I could lose it all in that moment, but I also realize that I had to take responsibility for who I was being in the relationship. That caused a good man to self sabotage in that way, to to look for someone else, and that was a real big wake up call for me. So when I hear you say, you know, people who are busy and working hard and trying to reach at next level of success often end up with a lot of stress and burn out and overwhelmed, that's what that's costing you. Yeah, it's costing you the reason why you're working hard is usually for your families and for the dreams that you have, for the lifestyle that you want to live. You don't want to live that lifestyle alone. So that was a big wake up call for me. Yeah, I'll appreciate you sharing the part of you know, your your life. That happens. I mean I think, like you said, when when people are trying to stop you, somesels will there trying to you know, the going into our entrepreneurship can probably go into a quiet tonal vision as so you're just so focused on reaching that point and you lose time and side probably things happening around you. I mean I've seen an you know, one off top of too much, the other film, Wolf Wall Street. He's so focused on getting bigger and battery usually, you know, I mean loses sought. Yeah, you, like you said, I think as well. You probably needs that out. Communications Care, isn't it? In that relationship, so they own that, they understand where you are and what it's about, because I think some people don't understand that. Do that probably. Yeah. Well, you know when you are not taking care of yourself, like not only was my relationship and break down, but my health wasn't good. You know, I was having all of these neck and back pains and just from holding all of the stress in and not taking time out for self care. And when you don't take care of yourself, it bleeds into every area of your life. You can't show up as your best self. You know, we like to say in high performance you're not on your a game. You're not on your a game when you're feeling stressed and burned out in overwhelm. So, you know, our communication was suffering because I wasn't feeling good. I didn't have the mental stamina, the physical energy to give anything to that relationship in a way that wasn't carrying that that stress and that burnout and that overwhelmed with me. And so one of the things that I do...

...in my coaching and teach my my clients is how to have these conversations how not not only to take care of yourself so that you show up as your best self, but also how to structure your day in your life so that you can transition from being, you know, a mogul, a go get or a high achiever and then transition into home life to be the best you know, wife, husband, spouse, partner, parent to your family. You cannot bring that energy, that's saying driven energy into your personal life that you do in your professional life. And there are certain habits and practices that we master and high performance to handle those transitions so that you know you're in the mindset. Okay, now I'm with my family, this is who I get to be here and also how to have these conversations and a one thing that was happening in my relationship was because I was always in that heightened state of stress and overwhelm. Any conversation we had was always, you know, it was always prickly, put it to put it mildly, you know, we were always either to sending our own point of view. There was really no openness in the conversations that we were having it, in our communication it was always, you know, I'm driven, my husband isn't. So there was always a piece of disappointment and resetment and me that we were doing this business together but I was doing all the work. Yeah, feel that energy off of me, if that makes sense. Like yeah, you know, and who wants to be in the presence of someone who's making you feel like crap all the time just because he has a different energy level than I do, and so I was very judgmental around that and you know, I look back at those times and hindsight and realize, you know, it's I'm embarrassed by how I was, but I was very right and righteous in it at the moment, because I'm working hard so that we can have a place in Berlin, so that we can travel and travel first class and see our friends in England and the peak district and Alston field, you know, like all that stuff, and I'm like these are your friends that you know are in Europe, and so I'm working hard so that we can have that income to have that lifestyle and and so, you know, even though I noticed that there were problems, I didn't prioritize it in a way that we really got to work on them. I just thought like, okay, once we and I know a lot of people think this, once I have this so, once I make a certain amount of money, once I get that car, that house, that this, that that the things will get better. And you tell you, yeah, that might not happen and you really have to...

...find a way to set up your life where you can achieve that level of success in your business without sacrificing your home life, in your your happiness and your your health, your well being, all that. Yeah, I completely agree with you. I think that's that's really great that you kind of like you know, you push through the and you made it work. You know that. Yeah, things happen. Do you know where your pall know and you realize that. You know what you was doing in Ophen and the effect it was happening. Where was I think some people probably don't look at that and they or don't don't take responsibility for and they just miss it and they keep on staying in that lane. Yeah, you know, I always say you can't be fifty, fifty and relationship. That doesn't work. You have to each be a hundred percent. You know, I don't want fifty percent of your effort in our relationship, in our life. And you know people say that without fully meet realizing what it means. Fifty like no, we all get to go in a hundred percent and and that's what we decided to do. You know, I realize that. You know, we had to confront the situation. What I found and we talked about it and in that moment I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know if you would choose to go back to you to Europe and be with this woman, or if you would choose our life here, or if we had to set up our lives to have that breakdown lead to a break break up or have that breakdown lead to a breakthrough in our relationship. And so we made a commitment in that moment. You know, when we talked about it, one thing we started learning about each other was what I call our relationship styles, and so one of the practices I take my clients through is learning what their relationship style is, their unique relationship style, and I have an acronym for the word style of five of the five styles. You either are seat to please, you try to control, you Yo yo back and forth between passion and disappointment. You look to accept blame. Are you any vader? You evade emotions in yourself and in others, and so and that's all. Actually, those habits, patterns, beliefs and behaviors were all formed by your early life experiences. So we take a look at that deeply and it was something my husband and I did actually naturally on our own, because of the work that I had done in leadership and professional development and personal development, and and I realized...

...a little bit more of the why, like why did this happen? What was missing that he was seeking or what was his reaction or response to how I was being, and vice versa, and we worked to understand each other better on that deeper level so that we could have compassion for what our actions were. And so we were both hurting really bad in our relationship and we decided we would not only comfort each other but work together on our relationship. But here's the thing. Not only did we work together as a couple, we worked individually on ourselves. After working on ourselves as a couple, now, who do we get to be? How do we get to be better people in our lives, for each other, for ourselves, for our work, for our communities? And that was the key. We did the both and for us. And so we learned how to communicate, we learned how to listen to each other without defending, judging or responding. We learned how to be open and honest in our communication. We learned how to to really love what is and come to each other in a ways that that we weren't. You know, a lot of disappointment happens with our expectations not being met. So when you learn to have these communications and conversations in a way that you don't have real expectations at disappointment level is is really lessened. And most of our response and reactions are when you don't respond to me the way I wanted you to or the way I thought or the way I expected you to, and which means that I have some judgment around that. And so learning how to really love and accept each other where they're at and give people space to grow. One of the things my husband said to me at that time was I'm not as fast as you, I'm not as driven as you. You know I do things at a different pace and you know, what I was doing in that relationship was expecting him to keep up with me and getting upset and frustrated when he couldn't. And so I get to honor his process and his pace and his space and make it safe for him to do things in his own timing. Doesn't mean that he's not all in. So there was just a lot of discovery in who we are as as people that went deeper than our relationship had gone before, and so I like to say we got rid of our old relationship and built a new one. He's that, I'm a way of being. Yeah, it's that's really like. No, really lovely to listen to what you were saying and, you know, I...

...can kind of relate to pass of what you said from, you know, things I've experienced in relationships. And, like you said, it's not fifty fifty s, you know, hundred percent all in our side. Yeah, and you have to kind of go away and work on yourself to, you know, to be a better version of yourself for that person to do the same, and then you kind of come together in the middle and it's like not, it's not a one way street. Is a you know what, person's got to do the same work as that. What you're doing exactly, exactly. I hear you on there, because there was a time when, after we finished our couples therapy that, you know, he thought, okay, we're good now, right, and I'm like no, it was unnegotiable for me, like, if I'm going to continue, I hired a coach to work with me on my way of being, how I was showing up, how I can be a better mom, wife, dog mom, you know, or better with my clients and the people I serve. And it was just like I'm not just going to work on myself and you just like okay, I'm good. So that was enough negotiable for me in the relationship that we both had to work on each on ourselves individually, and he was resistant at first, but he didn't choose coaching. He actually chose to work further in therapy on his own. And so it's like as long as you do something, you know, these are the two choices. Like and you know, and at the time, you know, people look at well, therapy is going to cost as much or coaching is going to cost as much because, like I said, we're an Americas, so we don't get a lot of areas of time and you know. But it came down like, well, what's it going to cost us in our relationship not to invest and, you know, in ourselves so that we can have the relationship that's happier, healthier and more fulfilling and more intimate than all we had before. And so for me it took, you know, a gym membership, you know, taking the time to work out and work on my my physical health and wellbeing, adopting meditative practice so that I can have that quiet space for my mind and it's not always on the go and spinning, so that I have the bandwidth to really be present in my relationship and really being a generous listener, really, you know, learning how to accept and take a feedback, learning how to really set an intention for how we communicate and what the results we want out of the communication. So, you know, I had to learn to do all of that. That doesn't come naturally and and to be...

...shown what that looks like, to be shown my blind spots in that, because you know, I still have a lot of judgmental tendencies based on my early life experiences and being judged all the time. So you kind of bring that into to who we are in our personality. So yeah, it was it was hard, but it was worth it because we're right. We're great. Now Pass forward for years later we are. Yeah, we're not perfect, we still stumble, but we know how to recover and we know how to really show up for each other big time, just as no, I thought congratulate you on that, you know, and I think to to, like you know, have that happen and grow stronger and make the decision and yourself to, you know, work on yourself in certain areas. It takes a lot. It takes a lot discipline, does not suppose, and some sometimes it's weird life. Sometimes things have to happen certain relationships or in relationships for it to get stronger in some way. Yeah, I always say that my husband's cheating on me was the best thing that ever happened to our relationship because of what we were able to build and create, not only as a couple, but we went into creating things on our own like that, the real estate company, for example, that I was building at that time, which was my baby and my company. I actually asked him to take it over so that I can concentrate on my coaching, coaching business, you know, and I'm still involved in that business, but not to degree that he is. And so I just gave him that amount of trust and had him take over that business, which is so unlike my personality. I am such a controller. I built this business, it's mine, you know. I was like, okay, he and our relationship and more important to me than holding onto that control. And so, yeah, it was hard. I need I needed somebody to hold my hand as I was giving up control, and so that's where my coach really came in, really big and powerful and strong for me to really, you know, help me be clear on, yeah, all I wanted to play and and what the relationship I wanted to have and to help me see my blind spots where I was still being controlling an areas. And so, you know, we gave each other a lot of space and grace to grow into our way of being and so so that was important too. But yeah, I don't think I could have done it alone. For me, yeah, it's definitely ying. Young isn't in a relationship like I mean I've a religious in the past and it's that, you know, communication as like key and sometimes like I think as well. What...

...comes into is that we live in such a thing of slowed down now since covid or society, the so much going on, so busy. People can be caught up in so much so what they're processing. If they got problems in the relationship, they might get destructed by something else or not think about it or put it under the table and then two weeks later the communicate I'll actually feel about something. Yeah, and you know what, we are so afraid being honest in our communication because you know, you don't want to avoid a fight or though there's some couples who, you know, some people who love that confrontation and and and and going for and getting into it. But, you know, learning how to communicate so that what you're saying is not met with defensiveness and really being able to listen. So one thing that I helped my clients with is what I called generous generous listening. When someone says to you you know, you know, Adam, we need to talk. First of all, what goes through your head when somebody says that is usually, oh, what kind of conversation is this going to be? Amy In trouble or whatever? And so what I what I share with my clients. If you're the initiator of the conversation, first of all you've got to find out if this is a good time. You know, when can we have time to talk? Is this a good time? Because if you're your next podcast is in five minutes, I'm not going to have a serious conversation with you right now. Okay, yeah, if you have been going all morning and haven't eaten yet, I'm certainly not going to have a serious conversation with you now, when you're hungry and cranky. Okay, are angry, and so you really want to make sure that the person you're talking to and need to have a conversation with is in a space to be present, to be fully present and hear you. You, you know, you also want to make sure that you start off the conversation with acknowledgement and appreciation. Don't go into everything that's wrong right away. You did this, and I felt like this and all of that. Do you know? It feels like an attack. So I like to tell people, you know, you wouldn't plant, you know, your garden in the winter or in hard, rocky soil when spring came without first killing the soil, putting fertilizer in it, removing the weeds and the rocks and the old roots, which I just plan at my garden, and I didn't do that. So that's why it's not doing very well, and I use it all the time. How you really want to...

...make sure that a person is in a place to actually be able to hear you and hear you in a way that doesn't bring up their defense is, you know, when they're talking to you. And so one of the ways to do that is to start with acknowledgement. Now, a knowledgement doesn't mean, you know, blowing smoke and fake, you know, being fake. But you know what, I appreciate you, you know, for you know, find something that you can appreciate somebody for, or knowledge how hard they're working or how difficult a test must be. It doesn't always have to be positive, but I know that might have been hard for you and I get that. So you know whatever it is the conversation that you're having is about, and you're asking them to just just listen and hear you out and then share what you need to share. But also check in and ask what did you hear me say, because you want to make sure your communication is landing and if somebody is hearing you say something that is not your intention to say, you know you'll have an opportunity right now to just say no, that's not what I meant. Let me let me say it in a different way, and you just really checking in. And so it's important to to just be in that that state when you're having conversations and be responsible for setting an intention. What do you want to accomplish this conversation? Do you want to make somebody feel bad, or do you want to, you know, really come to a you know, a win win conclusion or situation? So remember this. I'll leave you with this formula. s plus are equals are. The S is your situation. M Plus are is either you react or you respond. Equals the third are, which is your results. So if you're going to be a triggered reaction in that middle are, your result is going to be different. If you could, if you're going to respond responsibly, you're going to have a different result. So that mental are is where you choose. You choose how to respond or you can choose to react. Yeah, no, I agree, so, so, so powerful. You know what what you just Said's and I, you know, just think about possiblationships of hardware I might to react to and, like you said, reacting and responding to two different things, and to really listen to someone what the saying. And I said, you know, like I said, everyone has insecurities or emotions going off, and it's why noticing that, isn't it? Not Trying to react to the thing? Yeah, and and figure out what that feeling is that's causing you to be triggered or want to react, and that's that's why I really do the work on your relationship style first, because you're a pleaser. Chances are you may be saying things that are not fully honest...

...in your communication because you don't want to make anybody feel bad. So you end up at not having your needs met. I mean, there's so many different layers to this to be able to go into conversations fully and honestly. You know, I created a guide book called six powerful ways of being for that foster effective communication and connection and your relationships, and it goes through all six. So you've got to be, you know, the generous listening, you've got, you know, being responsible in your response. You have to be able to take feedback, you've got to be able to be honest. We go for all of that in the guide book and it's kind of the map that I created when I go into conversations where you really want to win the process of the conversation and that always creates a win, win as a result, always as fantastick. So so that that guide will convention. Is that like a printed poblish God book, I mean, or it's something that you created? You can yeah, yeah, I hold it into website. Even met LETCOM and just put a forward slash P WOB for powerful ways of being. You can, you know, just enter your name and email and then the download will be delivered right to your inbox. It's very easy to get. That's awesome. I will what a lovely thing to create for people, you know, it's a download, and help them with their relationship and their lives. Yeah, it's great. It's it's a guy book that I use quite because I know when I'm when a conversation goes wrong, it's just like, okay, what step did I miss? Yeah, and then I realize a lot of times it's a lot of times for me, I don't stop to check in because I talk a lot. Yeah, and check in and say, you know, does that make sense? What did you hear me say? And have somebody repeat back to me what they heard me say, because when I don't do that, that's when the miscommunication can just kind of spiral out of control. So I use it myself. Actually, yeah, that's great. It's a really great things. Is it's good that you know you're so you got self awareness a lot, you know, with flat back and, like said, take a step back and go through that. Yeah, I wasn't saying like before we finish. I was thinking of last lightly jeany favorite books at all? is any of my favorite books that you have to read or anything you've been reading recently? You know, one of my absolute favorite books for everybody is a book called you are a bad ass by Jensen Sarah Hmm. It's just she she really talked about coaching and high performance with a with a comedic twist around it that can that anybody can relate to, and I love it because it's just easy reading, but it also...

...really makes you look at being responsible for the results in your life too. And of course I love Brendon Bichard, who wrote the Book High Performance Habits, and I read Mel Robbins has a great book called take control of Your Life. That's amazing book as well. But you are a Badass is like my favorite one that I recommend to everybody because it doesn't take all of this so seriously and we need to learn how to have more fun in life, for sure. Yeah, no, I agree, and there's not not really good folks. How much you got that book? You told not the Badass woman. I'm not ready as online. So my shelf of about of a forty of a books as still need to read. Do you have the Yellow Book? Yeah, yeah, because she made another one of green book called you are a Badass about making money. Oh Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but they're fun unique to because I know you you're driving around a lot. Put It on audible and just listen to yeah, it's really gonna it's going to make you laugh and think. So I love that. I'll through that. Yeah, of course I wrote it. Yeah, but no, I eve it's be it's been a pleasure talking to you. And I was Oh, yeah, so where can people find you? On Social Media and and Linkedin? Yeah, just even metalick. My name on Linkedin and on on facebook. It's personal coach with the number for success most page. Yeah, now I'll definitely share it when I published the episode and I'll put your website on there and know you you've caught thanks, you, welcome. You welcome, but it's been a pleasure talking to either and I've a great morning day. Actually, we're just starting. It's thirty in the morning here, so I know the time difference is always confusing, but looks like you've got sunshine, so that's awesome. Yeah, yeah, sorry for some me for now. Hope it stays that way. British weather. Thanks for the opportunity. Animal, you welcome, you welcome. To Take Care of you when I speak soon. Okay, night.

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